The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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