I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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