PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
