I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
