now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I skipped work to stalk him.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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