His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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