You smell like a Billy Joel song
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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