just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
