You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
