I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
