I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i think i scared a bird with my dick
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
