i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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