Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
