Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
