two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
