Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
either way he was missing a nipple.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
