Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
