So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
did i just pee glitter
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
