I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
This toilet bowl is my home.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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