so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Randomize
