Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
