I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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