finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
