break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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