Old men and throwing up are my life now.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
