i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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