I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
