what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
