I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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