u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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