You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
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