dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
