I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
