it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
