3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
