So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
