what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
operation have a gay friend backfired
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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