If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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