I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Randomize
