You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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