literally had 100 drinks last night.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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