ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Is Oprah even human
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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