i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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