you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
