ugly people sure do ruin things
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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