either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
