i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
