Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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