Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
