I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You smell like stripper and shame
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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