you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
