Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
