i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
