Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
