we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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