the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
