Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
